


Are you hurting the one you love?

by TheatricArcana



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Aftercare, BDSM, Caning, Dom Caleb Widogast, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Essek is a masochist change my mind, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Safeword Use, Safewords, Self-Loathing Caleb Widogast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:21:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27265630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheatricArcana/pseuds/TheatricArcana
Summary: Caleb couldn't focus on his own distress right now though, it wasn't important compared to Essek's. He had to figure out what he did to Essek and hope that there was some way to fix it, that he hadn't fucked up for good again. The second Essek was free, Caleb was fumbling out questions, and it was so much harder to speak than usual with how tight his throat felt from guilt and panic. "What happened? Are- Are you okay?"Essek gave Caleb a strange look, and Caleb recognized distantly that Essek was no longer weeping as he had been not but a few minutes before. Essek had been impressively quick to compose himself.Essek's voice was laced with concern and worry when he spoke. "My love, it's not me, it's you. Caleb, you're crying."(Caleb and Essek both get really into a scene, only for Caleb to unexpectedly slip into the wrong headspace. Essek takes notice and uses their safeword on Caleb's behalf and does his best to comfort Caleb. Check notes for more warnings!)
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 7
Kudos: 203





	Are you hurting the one you love?

**Author's Note:**

> In this fic, Caleb and Essek have a consensual relationship and engage in acts such as the one I wrote about here often, and they both usually enjoy the dynamic it brings them. However, Caleb slips into old habits of self-loathing and guilt in the middle of their scene because healing isn't always a linear process.
> 
> Essek cries while Caleb is hitting him with the cane, but consents to the situation and doesn't have any desire to stop until he realizes that Caleb is out of it. At that point he uses their safeword for Caleb, as Caleb is clearly pushing himself and not stopping when he should.
> 
> This is a little heavier than what I usually write, but Essek provides aftercare for him and it ends sweetly <3 This is not a hurt/no comfort household I'm a baby who likes my happy endings

_ Crack! _

"Twenty f-four."

_ Crack! _

"Twenty five."

_ Crack! _

"T-Twenty six."

The harsh, biting snap of the thin wood hitting Essek's thighs and rear rang loud and clear with each impact, like a rhythmic pattern between Essek's counting and the crack of the cane against skin. Caleb was familiar with the sensation of working in complete synchronicity with a partner to music, and this too felt like a dance of sorts at times, only the music wasn't made by strings or drums, it was those precious noises that spilled out of Essek when Caleb finally worked him down enough. He was learning how it felt to work in tune with Essek, figuring out the steps to this dance and hoping not to trip.

_ Crack! _

Essek cried out after each impact, the sweetest song Caleb had ever heard, and he reveled in the knowledge that Essek made these sounds just for him. Essek would never dare to willingly cede control to anyone else, but he put himself entirely at Caleb's mercy with complete trust that Caleb would ensure that he would be taken care of in whatever way was needed. The privilege was Caleb's alone, and Caleb found it touching that Essek trusted him enough- felt  _ safe  _ enough with him, that he allowed Caleb to see him so raw and powerless. This was not a side of Essek that anyone else besides Caleb could afford to see, the display of submission would be plenty of ammunition for Essek's enemies who sought to tear him down from his position. No, this part of Essek belonged to  _ Caleb _ , and Caleb alone.

Essek cried out brokenly, chest heaving as he struggled to keep his grasp on the last remaining shreds of his control. He wouldn't be able to much longer, they both knew that. "Tw-twenty sev-ven." 

There would come a point where Essek would crack, where his hard shell would fracture and shatter, leaving him raw and fragmented from not only physical pain, but from something deeper within his core that he could only expose to Caleb. There was some sort of release he got when Caleb broke him, and Caleb wanted to provide that space where Essek could be so openly broken without fear of judgement or repercussions for not being strong enough. Caleb remembered how it felt to be young and under monumental amounts of pressure, the expectations placed upon him far too much for him to reasonably bear, and Caleb could see Essek going through the same thing now. He wanted to help Essek find that space where he didn't need to feel the weight of that pressure for even just a few minutes. Caleb wanted to leave Essek better than he found him.

It was hard for Caleb to reason that he was providing anything good for Essek at the moment, though. Caleb could see the tears gathering in Essek's eyes, and a weight settled on Caleb when he realized that Essek was crying. Even stranger, Caleb felt a ghost of pleasure pass through him at the sight of Essek in tears, which made him feel even more twisted and guilty. It wasn't easy to ignore the feeling, but Essek hadn't told him to stop.

_ Crack! _

Essek  _ sobbed _ with the impact, cringing away from the pain with trembling thighs, only to be held in place by his restraints. Despite his reactions, Essek still counted. "T-Twenty eight."

If Essek was counting, it meant he wanted to be hit again. If Essek stopped counting, it was the sign that he was done. Caleb's chest burned at the thought of hitting Essek again when Essek was openly  _ crying _ , but he wanted to prove he could give Essek what he wanted, what he  _ needed _ . Caleb didn't want Essek thinking he was fragile for not being able to keep up. He could do this for Essek, surely.

The next hit wasn't as hard. Essek flinched at the sound of the cane through the air, and Caleb hesitated at the sight. He still hit Essek, but the resulting crack of the cane on skin wasn't as loud or as harsh. Regardless of how hard Caleb had hit him this time though, the cane was still being brought down on bruised and damaged skin, and Essek writhed and whimpered at the feeling of the unforgiving wood on his already beaten flesh.

"T-t-tw-twenty-" Essek could barely get the next number out between sobs despite how hard he tried. It took him numerous tries, and each attempt failed due to Essek breaking off into a whimper felt like a punch to Caleb's stomach. Essek managed eventually, but Caleb couldn't shake the feeling this wasn't right anymore. In fact, it wasn't just not right. It was  _ fucked up _ .

Caleb shouldn't be doing this. Essek had asked Caleb to hurt him, and Caleb agreed with no coaxing. He had been  _ excited  _ at the start of this _ , _ even. Was he truly so broken and deranged after all this time that Essek's pain brought him  _ pleasure _ ? This no longer felt like dancing, it just felt like he was beating and damaging Essek, the person who had been so loving and accepting towards him despite his past. Was this how he repaid Essek's kindness? Was he not capable of holding things gently, without ruining them? Was he-

" _ Er'ef." _

The word was loud and clear, instantly dissipating the thoughts Caleb had been lost in. Caleb recognizes it immediately even though it's in Undercommon, the color 'Red' being the literal translation, but for  _ them  _ it's the safeword. It was Essek telling Caleb to drop everything and untie him immediately, that something was  _ wrong. _

Caleb worked completely on autopilot, hands flying as he undid the ties holding Essek in place. Caleb knew Essek only used this safeword when something had gone really,  _ really  _ bad, and Caleb had been the one to cause whatever distress Essek was currently under. Caleb had been right, he really did ruin everything he tried to hold gently.

Caleb couldn't focus on his own distress right now though, it wasn't important compared to Essek's. He had to figure out what he did to Essek and hope that there was some way to fix it, that he hadn't fucked up for good again. The second Essek was free, Caleb was fumbling out questions, and it was so much harder to speak than usual with how tight his throat felt from guilt and panic. "What happened? Are- Are you okay?"

Essek gave Caleb a strange look, and Caleb recognized distantly that Essek was no longer weeping as he had been not but a few minutes before. Essek had been impressively quick to compose himself.

Essek's voice was laced with concern and worry when he spoke. "My love, it's not me, it's  _ you.  _ Caleb, you're  _ crying _ ."

_ What? _

Caleb reached up to touch his own face, and found confirmation of Essek's claim, his fingertips coming away from his cheeks wet with tears. The realization that he had started crying only served as fuel for more tears, like a dam collapsing, everything spilled forward. Caleb felt a sob escape him, feeling absolutely wretched with the knowledge that he should be taking care of Essek right now, but instead Essek was the one concerned about him. Why had he started crying? And why couldn't he  _ stop? _

Essek's fingers came to gently wipe the tears away from Caleb's cheeks, and Caleb fought with himself to not pull away from Essek's touch for the first time in years.

"Caleb, are you here with me right now?" Essek asked, warm hands gently caressing Caleb's face. Safe, comforting motions that Caleb found himself instinctively leaning into.

" _ Ja,  _ I am. I'm- I'm sorry, I don't… I don't know why I…" Caleb tried his best to tell Essek what was happening, grasping for words so he could give Essek his well-deserved explanation. Caleb wasn't even the one being hurt,  _ Essek  _ was. It didn't make sense for him to be crying, especially considering that he was the one who had been causing the pain.

"You don't need to apologize, it's okay. I'm not upset. I promise you have nothing to feel bad for." Essek spoke so sweetly and comfortingly, it was hard to deny him when he started to gently pull Caleb onto the bed with him.

"Essek, you don't have to- I should be the one making sure you're alright, I was the one hurting you. You were also crying, and I-I didn't stop, I'm-  _ Gods _ , Essek, I'm so sorry." Caleb choked on another sob, vision clouding as more tears welled in his eyes despite his best attempts to stop. He could still so clearly picture that helpless look in Essek's eyes and  _ he had caused that _ . There was this distinctly awful sensation carving its way into his chest, the feeling of guilt expanding inside his ribcage with every inhale. 

"Caleb, is that what this is about?" Essek looked just as shocked as he was concerned. "I- You've seen me cry before during things like this, has it always made you feel this poor?"

Caleb shook his head. "No, it hasn't. I don't- I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm doing this."

"You don't need to apologize." Essek repeated, one of his hands coming down to hold Caleb's. "You should have told me that you felt like this, we could have stopped. It's only enjoyable for me if I know you're enjoying yourself as well."

"I-I wanted to keep going at first because… Because I wanted to prove I wasn't too broken to provide this for you. That I wasn't too broken for  _ you _ ." Caleb admitted, and Essek looked like he was about to say something, so Caleb beat him to it. "But then I… I started to feel like I was enabling something terrible. I felt guilty for causing you pain, it- I feel like I'm going to ruin you, like I've ruined all my other loved ones."

"Caleb, you  _ never _ have to prove  _ anything _ to me. You aren't broken, and I don't think of you as such. I never have, and I never will. These types of things aren't for everyone, if this is difficult for you, it's not because you're broken." Essek planted a gentle kiss in the center of Caleb's forehead before settling himself onto Caleb's lap, bringing Caleb into an embrace, and Caleb selfishly leaned into the comfort and safety of Essek's arms without hesitation. "You don't need to feel guilty, either. I  _ asked  _ for this, and I would have stopped you if I started to feel like it was too much. You aren't  _ ruining  _ me, Caleb. I was a selfish man who cared only for myself before I met you. It was  _ you  _ who made me a better person, and you've made plenty of others better people too. You do  _ not  _ ruin people, Caleb, I will not let you sit here and speak lies. I'm a better man thanks to you."

Caleb wanted to deny everything, the very idea of trying to feel good about himself and who he was made his skin crawl, but he couldn't find a way to easily dispute what Essek was saying. Without the direct influence of The Mighty Nein, Essek and many others would be on worse paths than they were now. Caleb had spent months,  _ years _ , guiding Essek to a path that had less darkness and despair lying ahead. Essek was not left dead in a ditch somewhere by the Assembly thanks to himself and the rest of the group. Those things may not make him a good man still, not after all he'd done, but trying his best was all he could do.

"We don't have to do these things if it makes you feel like this. I wish you had let me know before now, my love. I don't want you feeling this way." Essek said, gentle concern still making its way into his voice.

"I've never felt like this before. I don't know what's causing it now, I…" Caleb trailed off, unable to explain. Luckily, Essek seemed like he somehow understood anyways.

"Some days are worse than others, I understand. If it calms your nerves to hear, though, you didn't hurt me in any way I didn't enjoy. I was- I was planning to thank you afterwards, honestly." Essek admitted, somewhat sheepishly, and Caleb felt a huff of laughter escape between his unsteady breaths despite himself.

"Actually…" Essek said, before pulling back from the embrace he currently held Caleb in. His hands found their way back to Caleb's face once more, fingertips lingering on the hair on Caleb's jaw for a split second before coming to more firmly hold Caleb's face.

Essek's lips were on his then, warm and soft against Caleb's own slightly chapped ones. The kiss was wet with tears, which Caleb cringed at a bit, but Essek didn't seem to mind. 

Caleb could feel a subtle tingling sensation from the herbal balm that Essek applied to his lips a couple times a day to keep them soft, and a small smile crept onto Caleb's face. Essek always complained when Caleb kissed off all of the balm so that he could reap its benefits while also getting a free excuse to kiss Essek. Caleb knew Essek would be reaching to reapply it as soon as they were done.

For now, though, he was free to lose himself in the tender sensation of Essek's soft skin against his own. There was no heated passion in the kiss, just warmth and enjoyment, comforting closeness that Caleb wanted to bask in forever, like Frumpkin in a patch of sunlight. Caleb sighed contentedly into the kiss, resting his hands on Essek's waist. Essek hummed appreciatively before pulling away.

" _ Thank you _ , Caleb, for all that you do for me. I have few people I trust like I trust you. I love you."

There was still some tight, guilty feeling lodged in Caleb's chest, but it didn't feel as heavy with Essek's weight also there to keep him company. 

Caleb smiled fondly. "I love you too."


End file.
